Want a guy who opens the car door and has a five-year plan for the wedding? There’s an app setting for that now.

Match Group recently relaunched Upward, a Christian dating app that’s now welcoming anyone looking for marriage and a little old-fashioned romance. Its new Chivalry Mode encourages men to message first, leaving women to reply or unmatch. There’s also Marriage Timeline, where users can share how soon they’d like to get married and find people with similar plans. So you can discuss wedding expectations before you’ve even gone on a first date.

Dating apps have changed their minds about who should make the first move. Bumble originally required women to message first when it launched in 2014, but eased that rule in 2024 after its CEO said some women found the expectation exhausting. Upward is now encouraging men to initiate conversations, with a special setting for people who prefer it that way.

Match Group is also betting that Gen Z is ready to get married.

‘Chivalry Mode’ Is the Latest Dating App Feature, and It’s Turning Modern Dating Upside Down

According to Match Group’s 2026 Singles in America research, 72% of Gen Z respondents want to get married. Upward has embraced the idea with an Americana-inspired advertising campaign called “Wanted for Life,” featuring lines like “Known to change a tire, not his feelings for you.” Someone actually got paid to write that.

Daniel Cox, director of the Survey Center on American Life, told WIRED that Gen Z’s age could help explain the high percentage. Younger adults are less likely to have married already, so their answers aren’t necessarily evidence of some renewed enthusiasm for traditional marriage. Cox also believes the interest in old-fashioned courtship comes from frustration with modern dating and its lack of established expectations. “People are wanting something over nothing,” he said.

And marriage hasn’t exactly been climbing everyone’s priority list. In a 2023 Pew Research survey, just 23% of American adults said being married was extremely or very important to having a fulfilling life. Close friendships came in at 61%. The percentage of high school seniors who expected to get married someday also fell from 80% in 1993 to 67% in 2023.

As for the people actually using Upward, the experience hasn’t been great for everyone.

Tauti, a California social work student, lasted less than 48 hours before getting fed up with the conservative men she encountered. “I did not know me being Christian and leaning liberal was a big ask,” she said on TikTok. Other users have criticized the decision to welcome non-Christian singles, arguing that the app is abandoning its original purpose.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting marriage or preferring traditional courtship. But an app offering a marriage timeline still doesn’t mean the person on the other end of the conversation is someone you’d want to marry.

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Cheaters will do just about anything except break up. They’ll save a fling as “Pizza Hut” in their contacts, and now some are hiding sexts in a shared note right next to the grocery list.

A shared note looks incredibly innocent, making it an ideal hiding spot for an affair. As Cosmopolitan reported, someone can add another person to a document and exchange messages without using their regular texting app. Who’s going to think twice about a note labeled “Packing List”?

People have been coming up with ridiculous ways to hide affairs for years. There are fake contact names and calculator vault apps that conceal photos behind what looks like an ordinary calculator. Imagine finding out your partner has been carrying on an affair through a freaking calculator. 

People Are Using Their iPhone Notes App to Cheat, and It’s Surprisingly Sneaky

Some people go even further. In an older Ashley Madison survey of 1,500 respondents, 11% said they used a secret second phone to communicate with someone outside their relationship. Another survey from affair site Victoria Milan found that 15% of respondents kept a second SIM card hidden. That’s an insane amount of planning for someone who could simply have an uncomfortable conversation and end their relationship.

But for some cheaters, all that sneaking around is part of the appeal. Couples therapist Esther Perel told The Purist that “any infidelity is organized around secrecy.” She also described how affairs can make people feel excitingly alive again, even when they’re perfectly comfortable with the life they already have.

Of course, some people have absolutely no intention of leaving their partners. They like their life at home and enjoy the attention they’re getting elsewhere. Having a secret relationship gives them a chance to experience the excitement of someone new while continuing to enjoy the stability of what they already have.

Keeping all of that hidden takes work, though. Perel told NPR that cheating has become easier while keeping it secret has gotten harder, with phones and computers frequently exposing affairs.

Of all the places to conduct an affair, the same app you use to remember your dentist appointments is a strange choice. But then again, so is cheating instead of breaking up.

The post Cheaters Have Found a New Way to Hide Their Affairs in Plain Sight, and It’s Pretty Clever appeared first on VICE.

Does your partner refuse to grow up, make a real commitment, and take responsibility for their own life? They might be struggling with Peter Pan Syndrome—and it might be time to cut them off.

What Is Peter Pan Syndrome?

Coined by Psychologist Dr. Dan Kiley in his 1983 book, The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up, this concept references J.M. Barrie’s infamous literary character Peter Pan—the free-spirited, young boy who never grows up.

“Peter Pan Syndrome is essentially when an adult struggles to grow up,” says Dr. Mindy DeSeta, sexologist and mental health counselor at Hily Dating App. “They often avoid age-appropriate responsibilities, have difficulty managing real-world tasks, and have limited emotional maturity. Basically, they avoid the expectations society has placed on adults.”

While it’s not an actual mental health diagnosis, it describes a very real, very common experience for many adults—especially when it comes to relationships and commitment. 

“More commonly, this phrase is used to reference men, but women can fall into this trap as well,” says Dr. DeSeta. “In couples, it often shows up as one partner falling into the parent role, while the other voids adult responsibilities and slides into a childlike role. Over time, the partner carrying the mental and physical load begins to feel resentful, alone, and eventually starts distancing themselves.”

How Peter Pan Syndrome Shows Up in Relationships

In a relationship context, Peter Pan Syndrome is especially frustrating for the other partner, who often falls into a parenting role.

“Peter Pan Syndrome leads to emotional unfulfillment, unfinished goals, money issues, relationship challenges, and a career that never takes off,” Dr. DeSeta explains. “In relationships, over time the person carrying the load becomes the one managing both of their lives. The caregiver pays the bills, tends to household duties, manages the social calendar, and makes the hard decisions alone. Over time, the caregiver mentally gets broken down, begins to feel emotionally depleted, and becomes resentful.”

Once this occurs and enough damage to the connection is done, it can be challenging for both partners to recover. 

“It’s very difficult to feel desire for your partner when you feel you have to parent them,” Dr. DeSeta says. “As this continues, trust breaks down because the one in the parent role feels they can no longer count on their partner who has taken on the child role.”

Is Your Partner a Peter Pan?

When determining whether your partner has Peter Pan Syndrome, Dr. DeSeta outlines a few key signs to look for:

1. They Avoid Responsibility

In an equal partnership, both individuals should share or take on their own set of responsibilities, finding a middle ground that works for them. However, if you’re dealing with a Peter Pan, you might be shouldering all the work.

“If you notice you’re always the one making the calls, checking in, or taking the lead when it comes to planning a date, those are the red flags to not overlook,” says Dr. DeSeta.

2. They Avoid Emotional Conversations

Someone who refuses to grow up often refuses to have adult conversations, too.

“People who struggle with Peter Pan Syndrome struggle to manage heavy emotions,” Dr. DeSeta explains. “They will make a joke to break up the seriousness of the conversation.”

3. They Avoid Accountability

Peter Pans are essentially allergic to accountability.

“They will always make an excuse for why their life is the way it is,” Dr. DeSeta explains. “Taking responsibility for the choices is too emotionally heavy for them to manage.”

4. They Prioritize Fun Above All Else

While lighthearted fun is certainly a necessary part of any relationship, it can’t hold merit over emotional depth, dependability, and adult responsibilities.

“You will notice that the relationship feels hollow and intimacy feels shallow,” Dr. DeSeta says. “They pull back whenever the moment requires vulnerability, only allowing the couple to bond so much.”

Should You Stay or Should You Go?

While Peter Pan Syndrome is certainly a red flag in most cases, it isn’t always a death sentence for every relationship.

“Start with a conversation,” Dr. DeSeta recommends. “Share what you are noticing in them and what you are desiring in a long-term partner. Acknowledge the pattern before running from it.”

For example, you might explain to your partner that you feel like you’re carrying all the responsibilities and mental load in the relationship. Then, you can request more help from them. How they respond will reveal your next steps.

“It is a red flag if they become extremely defensive or try to place the blame back on you,” Dr. DeSeta says. “At the end of the day, you can only use your words to share what you are looking for in them and in the relationship. If they do not change, then it is time to end the relationship.”

The post 4 Signs Your Partner Has ‘Peter Pan Syndrome,’ According to a Therapist appeared first on vice.

No relationship is perfect. If you can’t voice your vulnerable thoughts, messy feelings, or opposing perspectives to your partner, you might lack safety in your relationship.

That’s why I always cringe when I hear couples say, “We never disagree or argue.” Usually—hopefully—what they mean is, “We don’t fight.” If the former were true, I’d be concerned about the health of their connection.

Relationships are made up of two individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and traumas. A relationship without conflict is likely a surface-level one, where one or both parties are either avoidant or afraid of opening up and getting close to the other.

Over time, even the healthiest couples will face conflicts—whether they’re internal or external. For example, one of you might become sick, lose your job, struggle with your mental health…Or perhaps you’ll have a misunderstanding, feel hurt by the other’s actions, disagree on something minor or major.

Conflict is both an inevitable and important part of a relationship. What matters is how we navigate it—and that we don’t push it away every chance we get.

Why Is Conflict a Necessary Part of Relationships?

In a relationship, conflict provides an opportunity to work with your partner to solve an issue or address a stressor.

“In the Imago theory, we see conflict in a relationship as not a bad thing, but as growth trying to happen—both individual growth and growth as a couple,” says Emily Lambert Robins, LCSW, Certified Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a private practice in NYC specializing in couples and sex therapy. 

“Conflict often brings unresolved childhood wounds, unmet emotional needs, and unconscious relationship patterns to the surface,” she continues. “All of us have wounds that we need to heal and areas of growth, and it is in the intimate partnership that offers the best change for us to grow and heal from those hurts from childhood.”

However, if you’re afraid of “rocking the boat,” so to speak, you’ll strip yourself and your partner of the opportunity to heal and grow together. Rather than viewing conflict as a negative thing, view it as a chance to more deeply connect with each other.

Navigating Conflict vs. Fighting

There’s a major difference between navigating conflict, a healthy part of any relationship, and constantly fighting with your partner. Many assume they’re one and the same, which is likely why couples fear conflict. In healthy relationships, conflict isn’t a threat but rather an opportunity to grow together.

“The problem isn’t the conflict itself but how couples fight,” says Robins. “People often bring into conflict a lot of negative conversational habits that they learned from society, from family, etc., such as blaming, criticizing, shaming, interrupting, and more. This type of conflict leads to disconnection and misunderstanding and is not helpful to a relationship.”  

When approached with empathy and curiosity, conflict can actually bring couples closer together.

“In Imago, we teach a tool called the Imago Dialogue, which is a new way of talking and listening to your partner [that] promotes connection, greater understanding, and healing,” says Robins. “Using the dialogue helps couples transform conflict into connection.”

The post The Uncomfortable Thing Every Healthy Couple Needs to Do, According to a Relationship Expert appeared first on vice.

Every couple swears they’ll be the ones who keep having great sex forever. Then a few years go by, someone’s wearing a mouthguard to bed, and sex becomes something they’ll definitely do this weekend.

Sex researchers led by Kristen Mark followed 87 couples for a month to find out why they weren’t having sex, and the most common explanations were incredibly boring. According to their study, men and women were equally likely to say things like “it just didn’t happen” when asked why they didn’t have sex. Sometimes there simply wasn’t time.

The more interesting differences came when people started explaining whose fault it was. Women were more likely to say they weren’t in the mood or were too tired, while men pointed to their partners or the kids. So women were blaming themselves, and men were blaming the person sleeping next to them. Groundbreaking stuff.

The Surprising Reasons Couples Stop Having Sex, According to Science

The finger-pointing didn’t do anyone any favors, either. Couples who blamed their partners for not having sex also reported lower sexual satisfaction, while those who saw it as a shared situation generally felt better about their relationships. And when one person wants sex more than the other, rejection can feel personal. “For the one yearning for touch and physical contact, it really is about feeling wanted and feeling loved,” therapist Michele Weiner-Davis told CNN.

Of course, we’re talking about 87 couples, most of whom were white and heterosexual. There’s only so much we can conclude about everyone’s sex life from a month of their experiences.

It’s also possible that people have unrealistic expectations about how frequently they’re supposed to be having sex. Another study found that the percentage of American adults aged 18 to 64 having sex weekly dropped from 55% in 1990 to 37% in 2024. And research led by Amy Muise at the University of Toronto Mississauga found that couples having sex more than once a week weren’t any happier than those doing it weekly. “It’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner without putting pressure,” Muise explained.

Then there’s the uncomfortable business of actually talking about sex. Admitting that you feel rejected or that you’re unhappy with how things are going takes some vulnerability, especially when you’re not sure how your partner will react.

“Even when you’ve been with someone for years, talking about sex can be scary because you’re exposing a really vulnerable part of yourself,” Mark told Men’s Health.

Sometimes the explanation really is as boring as two exhausted people who have to get up early for work. And one of them still has to put that damn mouthguard in.

The post Researchers Asked Couples Why They Weren’t Having Sex. Here’s What They Found. appeared first on vice.

At first, dating someone who’s completely obsessed with you can feel incredible. They remember everything you tell them and want to spend every free minute together. A few months later, you’re wondering when they last saw their friends or did anything that didn’t involve you.

Psychologist Robert Vallerand has spent years studying this sort of thing. His Dualistic Model of Passion describes two types of passion: harmonious, where someone can be crazy about you and still have their own life, and obsessive, where the relationship starts consuming their time and attention. In one study, couples were more likely to stay together three months later when harmonious passion was high and obsessive passion was low.

So how can you tell when someone’s enthusiasm is getting a little out of hand?

1. Their Whole World Shrinks Down to You

Remember when they played softball every Thursday and had friends they saw regularly? Now they’re canceling plans to spend another night with you, and you can’t remember the last time they mentioned doing something on their own. Research has linked obsessive romantic passion to neglecting other relationships and activities. It’s nice to feel wanted, but being responsible for someone’s entire social life is exhausting.

2. They Can’t Let Something Go

A harmless comment you made over dinner has turned into three days of questions about what you meant. You’ve explained yourself several times, but they’re still bringing it up and asking if everything’s okay between you. In more severe cases, persistent relationship doubts and reassurance-seeking can be symptoms of relationship OCD, although overthinking an argument doesn’t mean someone has the condition. Psychologist Guy Doron’s research suggests these symptoms can also affect the other partner over time.

3. Their Basic Upkeep Goes Out the Window

When someone’s spending most of their time thinking about a relationship, other things can start getting neglected. They’re missing workouts they used to enjoy, staying up later than usual, and forgetting to take care of themselves. Research from Vallerand’s lab has connected obsessive passion with rumination, where the same worries keep coming back no matter how much time someone spends thinking about them.

Someone who’s this consumed by a relationship could be dealing with anxiety or struggling to maintain their own life. Psychology Today recommends reconnecting with friends and old hobbies. If the constant worrying and need for reassurance continue, therapy could help, too.

It’s nice when someone wants to spend time with you. After a while, though, you start wishing they’d make plans with literally anyone else.

The post 3 Signs Your Partner Is Obsessed With You in an Unhealthy Way, According to Psychology appeared first on vice.

After decades of marriage, some couples have gotten so used to being unhappy together that they hardly notice it anymore. They go to work, come home, eat dinner and spend the evening on opposite ends of the couch.

The divorce rate among Americans over 50 doubled between 1990 and 2010, according to research from Bowling Green State University. And when researchers interviewed 52 divorced adults for a separate study, 75% cited a lack of commitment as a major reason their marriages ended. Infidelity and constant arguing were also common. Here’s how relationships can deteriorate after years together.

1. The Kids Left and the Conversation Went With Them

For years, there’s always something to discuss when you’re raising kids. Then the last one leaves home, and suddenly you’re having dinner across from someone you haven’t had an actual conversation with in ages. Sociologist Susan Brown told NPR that retirement and an empty nest can leave people wondering, “Is this the person I want to spend another 20 or 30 years with?”

2. Then Came the Eye-Rolling

After many years together, some couples have perfected the art of communicating their irritation without saying a word. The sigh when someone starts talking, the sarcastic comments, the eye-rolling. Psychologist John Gottman considers contempt one of the strongest predictors of divorce. Relationship counselor Mig Bennett told Metro that couples stuck in an argument should remember, “You can either be right, or you can be in a relationship.”

3. The Marriage Slid Down the Priority List

With work, raising children, and taking care of aging parents, it’s easy to spend years putting your marriage off until there’s more time. By the time that day comes, you might have forgotten what you used to enjoy doing together. That lack of commitment cited in the divorce study sometimes developed gradually, with couples becoming less willing to work on their relationship.

4. Someone Cheated

Nearly 60% of participants in the 2013 study cited infidelity as a major reason for divorce. Among those who identified a final straw, 24% named cheating. Some people try to repair the relationship afterward, especially when they’ve spent forever raising a family and sharing finances. For others, discovering an affair settles a decision they’ve been struggling with for years.

5. Drinking, Gambling and Other Final Straws

Substance abuse was another reason marriages ended, and the study also identified domestic violence as a common final straw. Addiction can take a serious toll on family finances and relationships, especially when someone refuses treatment. Abuse is a separate and more urgent concern, though, and personal safety comes first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support at 1-800-799-7233.

By the time some couples decide to divorce, they’ve spent years getting used to being unhappy together. And after 20 or 30 years of marriage, getting used to something can be a powerful reason to keep doing it.

The post 5 Reasons Couples Get Divorced After Decades of Marriage, According to Experts appeared first on vice.

Going home with a guy for the first time means getting to see how he lives when he hasn’t had much time to prepare for company. Sometimes you’re pleasantly surprised. Other times, there’s a samurai sword in the shower.

And his apartment can tell you quite a bit about him. Psychologist Sam Gosling found that strangers could make surprisingly accurate judgments about certain personality traits just by looking around someone’s bedroom. So while you’re getting comfortable, you might want to pay attention to a few things.

1. The Sheets

A UK survey found that 45% of single men waited up to four months to wash their sheets. Four months. Another poll found dirty bedding was the biggest bedroom turnoff for 81% of women. A slightly unmade bed is one thing, but if there’s a sweat shadow, you might want to reconsider staying the night.

2. The Mattress on the Floor

A mattress on the floor in your early 20s? Sure. You’re broke, you’ve just moved out and furniture is expensive. But if he’s 35 and the rest of his apartment is fully furnished, you have to wonder why the bed frame is still missing.

3. The Bathroom

There’s one towel that’s been hanging there for an undisclosed amount of time, along with a bottle of three-in-one body wash. Fine, whatever. But having some toilet paper and a somewhat sanitary place to wash your hands seems like a fair expectation. And if there’s no shower curtain, how exactly has he been bathing?

4. The Kitchen

A fridge stocked exclusively with hot sauce and energy drinks is an interesting choice, but lots of people survive on takeout. The sink full of crusty dishes, though, is where things get questionable. Now you can’t stop thinking about how long they’ve been sitting there and when he last washed an actual plate.

5. The Wall Art

An old concert poster is harmless. A framed Wolf of Wall Street poster above the bed might inspire a few questions, especially if he’s really into Jordan Belfort. Gosling’s research has also associated inspirational posters with neuroticism. Make of that what you will when you spot a giant “Hustle Harder” print.

6. The Photo Situation

An old picture with an ex isn’t necessarily concerning, especially if it’s from a vacation or an important event. But several framed photos of the same woman around the apartment, with no explanation of who she is, would have me asking some questions before getting too comfortable.

Most of these things can be fixed with a trip to Target and an afternoon of cleaning. But women on Reddit have also described finding fist-sized holes punched through the drywall at a date’s house, and that’s a much better reason to grab your bag and leave. At least the sword in the shower makes for a funny story.

The post 6 Red Flags to Look for the First Time You Visit a Guy’s Apartment appeared first on vice.

Are you in a relationship with someone who continuously downplays your emotions and experiences? You might be facing microdismissals, or the acts of subtly brushing off a partner’s feelings, boundaries, or needs. When done in excess, this habit can be incredibly invalidating and lead to disconnect within a relationship.

What Is Microdissmal? 

According to Dr. Alexandra Foglia, DMFT, the Director of Family Program at All in Solutions, a network of treatment centers located in Florida, New Jersey, and California, “Microdismissal describes subtle, often repeated ways of dismissing someone’s feelings rather than merely one distracted response.”

“For example, a possible sign that someone doesn’t respect your boundaries is repeatedly interrupting or changing the conversation when you’re sharing something important to you,” Foglia states. “Bottom line, then, a pattern is behavior that we return to time after time, that we do without necessarily thinking about.”

Microdismissal can show up in a variety of ways, from talking over someone to laughing off their feelings. Sometimes, these habits appear to be in good fun. But over time, they can eat away at the other person’s confidence, sense of security, and emotional safety within the relationship.

“Another sign is selective engagement,” says Foglia. “For example, eye rolling is often used to express impatience. When eye rolling is used with sarcasm, it often reduces trust. Sometimes, humor can be used to dismiss someone’s feelings. No one deserves to have their feelings invalidated by being told that they are being dramatic.”

Impacts of Microdismissal

As state above, microdismissal can leave someone feeling insecure and disconnected within their own relationship.

“The impact depends on frequency, context, and repair,” says Foglia. “Experiencing accidental or intentional social rejection can easily contribute to feelings of invisibility.”

As these emotions build, you might begin to resent your partner and how they treat you, which only widens the gap between you two.

“Resentment can build if you have difficulty expressing your true feelings about issues within your relationship,” Foglia says. “Ultimately, a relationship with a high level of conflict can lead to resentment and anger, causing one or both partners to feel estranged from one another.”

Why Might Someone Microdismiss Others?

In my own experience, I’ve endured microdismissal from individuals who consistently dismiss their own traumas, feelings, and needs. This might stem from shame, chronic invalidation, or conflict avoidance in their past. Sometimes, acknowledging someone else’s experience means acknowledging our own. If we’re not ready to do that, it might present as microdismissal toward our partners.

“Some people engage in microdismissal because conflict feels threatening, but these reasons do not erase the behavior’s impact,” Foglia says. “They may withhold their own emotions from others, never letting them see when they are afraid, sad, or angry.” 

This behavior isn’t always intentional, either. In fact, many people simply don’t know how to process their own emotions or sit with their own discomfort. Instead of engaging in further conversation, they laugh or brush it off.

“There are times, of course, when laughter is used to cover up anxiety or to escape from the experience of facing threatening material. But the gap can be bridged by open and honest communication,” says Foglia. “By approaching your partner thoughtfully, you can create a space for honest conversation and shared growth.”

The post Introducing ‘Microdismissal,’ the Toxic Relationship Habit You Might Not Even Notice appeared first on vice.

Are you guilty of over-apologizing for anything and everything? Trust me, you’re not the only one. “I’m sorry” is basically my catchphrase, even when I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

Someone walks into me? “Sorry!” Someone cuts me in line. “Sorry!!” Someone feels bad for making me feel bad? “Sorry!!!”

It’s instinctual, at this point, but there’s nothing cute about it. Constantly assuming the blame for issues you didn’t cause, or even for innocent mistakes that aren’t actually hurting anyone, does not win you an award. While it might seem endearing, this habit keeps you small and powerless.

Why We Over-Apologize

There are many reasons one might over-apologize, from social conditioning to pure awkwardness.

“Apologizing is empathetic and, when done correctly, can be done through the lens of accountability and respect,” says Maggie Pajak, MSW, therapist with The Witch’s Therapist, a holistic, LGBTQ2S+-affirming therapy collective based in London, Ontario. “But when we overapologize, it can have deeper psychological roots.”

According to Pajak, this can include low self-esteem, rejection sensitivity, anxiety, people-pleasing tendencies, and conflict avoidance.

Who Is Prone to Over-Apologizing?

While anyone might engage in this habit, over-apologizing might be more common among certain groups of people.

“It’s absolutely more common in neurodiverse populations,” says Pajak. “That’s especially true for rejection-sensitive dysphoria.”

“People with anxiety, or who dealt with extreme criticism or shame during childhood, may preemptively apologize to avoid feeling that shame,” Pajak adds. “It’s almost like they’re getting in front of the shame before it happens.”

And, of course, let’s not forget women, who have been conditioned to be more accommodating, polite, and attentive, Pajak says.

“Also, women are more likely to be the victims of violence in domestic situations, and as a result they may find it necessary to overapologize to placate a partner’s violent tendencies,” she adds.

4 Ways to Stop Over-Apologizing

There’s a time and place for apologizing, but only when you feel you’ve genuinely done something wrong and want to express your guilt. Otherwise, let’s break this bad habit in the four following ways.

1. Acknowledge Instead of Apologizing 

One of my favorite ways to fight the urge to apologize is by replacing an apology with gratitude.

“This helps us pause and reframe the situation,” says Pajak. “It shifts the focus from your guilt or shame to your gratitude toward the other person. For example, instead of saying ‘sorry it took me so long to reply,’ you might say, ‘I appreciate your patience.’”

2. Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

We often apologize from a place of shame: shame for being “inconvenient,” shame for taking up space, shame for having needs. But have you really done something worth apologizing for, or are you just holding yourself to impossible standards and denying your own humanness?

“This is important because we can still feel negative emotions in scenarios where we’ve done the right thing,” Pajak explains. “So, feeling guilt, shame, or like you’ve disappointed someone isn’t necessarily a sign you need to apologize for anything.”

3. Acknowledge Your Needs

Every person on this planet has their own set of needs. What makes yours any less valid?

“In some cases, people who overapologize do so because they grew up in an environment where their needs were neglected or ignored,” Pajak states. “When that’s in our past, it’s easy to feel guilty or ashamed for making those needs known. Learning to acknowledge and express your needs with people who feel safe can help you avoid overapologizing.”

4. Sit With the Discomfort

One of the best ways to drop this self-conscious habit is by sitting with your own discomfort.

“Attached to the previous example, it’s important to sit with the feelings that come up the first time you assert your needs,” says Pajak. “Where do you feel it in your body? What emotions is it attached to? Perhaps you feel shame, or perhaps you were previously made to feel unsafe. Can you just hold that discomfort? Can you sit with it? This can help you build a tolerance to that feeling, as uncomfortable as it may be.”

The post Why You Apologize for Everything, Even When You’ve Done Nothing Wrong appeared first on vice.

Dating has always involved some guessing. Lately, though, the guessing feels like the whole thing.

In Body+Soul’s 2026 Sex Census, mixed signals topped Australians’ list of modern dating frustrations at 55%, ahead of ghosting at 37% and unclear intentions at 35%. And anyone who’s dated recently probably knows the routine. You have a great first date, get a sweet text afterward, and then hear absolutely nothing for days. Meanwhile, this person somehow finds time to watch every single one of your Instagram Stories.

Psychiatrist Amir Levine, co-author of Attached, thinks we should stop calling these situations mixed signals. “Instead of calling it mixed signals, really, what it is, is uncertainty,” he told Body+Soul. And the longer you’re left wondering where you stand, the more time you can end up spending thinking about someone you barely know.

There’s actually research behind that. In a study published in Psychological Science, researchers showed 47 college women Facebook profiles of men who supposedly had rated their attractiveness. Some were told the men liked them a lot, while others weren’t sure how interested the men were. The women who didn’t know where they stood reported the most attraction and spent the most time thinking about the men. Granted, that’s a small study, but anyone who’s checked their phone 40 times waiting for a text can relate.

Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone Who Sends Mixed Signals

Levine’s advice is to ask for what you want early on and pay attention to the response. If you’ve had a good date, tell the person you’d like to see them again and suggest making plans. You can even say you prefer knowing when you’re going to see someone instead of spending the week guessing.

And then see what they do. Someone who wants to see you can make plans or suggest a better night. If you keep getting vague answers and excuses, consider what you want before you waste another weekend waiting for a text.

You should think about your own habits, too. Levine recommends mentioning consistency in your dating profile if that’s important to you. And if you’ve lost interest in someone, politely tell them. No one enjoys sending a rejection text, but the person on the receiving end deserves to know.

If someone can’t give you a straight answer about getting dinner next week, imagine trying to make actual life plans with them.

The post Why Mixed Signals Make You Want Someone Even More (And What to Do About It) appeared first on VICE.

A red flag used to mean something serious, like a guy who screamed at servers or a woman who keyed her ex’s car. These days, someone can get written off for wearing socks to bed or saying “lol” too much.

Dating apps probably haven’t helped. Researchers at Tilburg University found that people became pickier the more profiles they saw, with their likelihood of accepting a match dropping 27%. A 2025 study also linked getting “the ick” to perfectionism and other personality traits. So before you write someone off, here are six things that might not be as bad as they first seem.

1. They Agree With Everything You Say

Your favorite band is their favorite band. They share all your opinions and never seem to care where you go for dinner. It’s possible that you’ve found someone insanely compatible, or maybe they’re still nervous about disagreeing with you. Some people just need time to get comfortable speaking up. Writing in Psychology Today, therapist Duygu Balan asks, “Who are they when they’re not trying to make you happy?”

2. Their Ex Is Still Their Best Friend

Some people make better friends than romantic partners, and there’s no reason they can’t stay close after breaking up. They might have known each other for years before dating. As long as that friendship has reasonable boundaries and you’re not constantly coming second, it doesn’t have to be an issue.

3. They’re Moving at Warp Speed

By the third date, there’s a toothbrush in your bathroom and an invitation to Christmas dinner with their parents. Sure, it’s a little much, but some people have a hard time containing their excitement when they meet someone they like. If they’re happy to slow down when you ask, there’s probably no reason to panic.

4. Every Ex Was a Nightmare

It’s entirely possible that someone really did date several awful people. And if they’ve been hurt, they’re probably not going to have glowing things to say about those relationships. What you want to pay attention to is how they talk about their experiences once you’ve gotten to know them better.

5. Their Family Is Complicated

A complicated family history isn’t necessarily cause for concern. Some people have parents they haven’t spoken to in years, while others talk to their mothers every single day. You probably have a relative or two who drives you insane, so give someone a chance to explain their situation.

6. They Joke About Being Terrible at Texting

You can be interested in someone and still forget to answer their texts. It happens, especially when work gets busy, or you set your phone down and don’t look at it for hours. Pay more attention to how they treat you in person than how quickly those three little dots appear.

Everyone has a few habits that could irritate someone they’re dating. Give people a chance before deciding every little thing is a reason to walk away. Chances are, you’re doing something that drives them crazy, too.

The post 6 Dating Red Flags That Might Not Actually Be Red Flags, According to Experts appeared first on VICE.

If you feel exhausted in your relationship, you might be unknowingly carrying the invisible load for both you and your partner. This common, one-sided dynamic in relationships can lead to resentment, disconnection, and burnout.

“The invisible load in relationships is all the physical and emotional effort that goes into maintaining the relationship, the family (if you have children), and the household needs,” says Debra Feinberg, LCSW, Founder and Couples Therapist at Maplewood Counseling. “Imagine keeping track of and up with everything that needs to be done, and feeling your partner is clueless about all of the things you do.”

Does this sound like you? Here are seven signs you’re carrying the invisible load in your relationship.

1. You Do All the Planning

Some people enjoy planning the trips, vacations, and date nights in their relationships. But if you’re the only one investing time and energy into these events, you might be carrying the invisible load.

“One person feels they do all the work (even planning trips and date nights) to make sure someone is keeping up with the day-to-day,” says Feinberg.

2. You Struggle to Relax

It’s impossible to relax when you’re too busy thinking about all the to-do items on your plate—especially when you know you’ll be tackling them alone.

“While this may not be exclusively about your relationship, if you are someone who is always keeping track of all there is to do in your life, there’s a good chance that this way of thinking extends to your relationship as well,” says Victoria Murray, LCSW, PMH-C, psychotherapist at Root to Rise Therapy.

3. Most Responsibilities Fall on You

In your relationship, do you feel like most of the day-to-day responsibilities fall on your shoulders? For example, you’re the one who notices you’re running low on toilet paper. You’re the one who defrosts the chicken for dinner. You’re the one who buys birthday cards and Mother’s Day gifts and Christmas presents. You’re the one who bakes a tray of cookies for your partner’s family gathering. You’re the fixer, the stable force, the organizer, the chef, the maid…

“If your partner tends to frequently ask you questions like ‘where’s the (random household item that they could just as easily locate themselves),’ ‘how do I (complete a task that they don’t know how to do because you’ve always taken care of it),’ ‘should we (do something that they could do themselves but want you to do),’ these could be signs that you’re the one carrying the invisible load in the relationship,” says Murray.

4. You Feel Resentful

Resentment is a clear sign you’re carrying too much in your relationship.

“Feelings of resentment can creep in when you start to feel like the amount you’re carrying in the relationship is too much for you, out of balance, or unfair,” says Murray.

5. You Feel Underappreciated

It’s already exhausting to be the responsible one in your relationship, but it’s even more frustrating when your efforts go unnoticed. It’s called the invisible load for a reason.

“I’ve heard from many couples that it’s not until one partner experiences the absence of the one carrying the invisible load that they finally see everything that goes into it,” says Feinberg.

6. You Have to ‘Figure Out’ Your Partner’s Feelings and Needs

Many people feel responsible for “figuring out” their partner, especially if that partner struggles to communicate their feelings and needs.

“This can be one of the most exhausting aspects of carrying the invisible load: feeling like it is always your job to ask the questions, think about your partner’s needs, or guess how they might be feeling,” says Murray. “Eventually, this can lead to relationship burnout and resentment.” 

7. You’ve Lost Interest in Intimacy

If you carry the invisible load in your relationship, you likely feel exhausted, depleted, resentful, or even angry. When your partner fails to acknowledge your burnout, sex can start to feel like yet another chore.

“If the other partner wants to be intimate and doesn’t get the reason you don’t have interest, it reinforces feeling invisible and not seen,” says Feinberg. “Appreciation and consideration are so incredibly important in a relationship.”

The post 7 Signs You’re Doing All the Work in Your Relationship, According to Therapists appeared first on VICE.

We all have different communication styles and preferences, with some of us seeking conversations and others waiting to be included. This is especially noticeable in dating. For example, you may have been on a date with someone who offered information unprompted and dominated the conversation for most of the night. Or maybe your date only shared personal details when you asked, making you feel like an interviewer. These communication styles are known as “volunteer” and “invite-only.”

Regardless of which end of the spectrum you lean toward, there’s no right or wrong way of communicating—so long as you’re respectful, of course. Wondering about the difference between the “volunteer” and “invite-only” communication styles? Let’s dive in.

‘Volunteer’ vs. Invite-Only Communication Style

According to Sophia Spencer, a specialist in social psychology, mental health therapist, and founder of Social Mind Clinic, “The volunteer communication style is when a person voluntarily communicates personal information without needing to be asked,” says Spencer.

On the other hand, “The invite-only communication style is when a person communicates information when they are directly asked a question or prompted by someone else,” Spencer says. “Essentially, they speak when invited to do so.”

These opposing communication styles differ in the following ways:

How They Offer Information

Perhaps the most obvious difference between the volunteer and invite-only communication styles is how (and when) they feel comfortable speaking in a conversation. 

“One waits to be invited; the other speaks without invite,” says Spencer. 

How They Understand Others

Spencer also points out that individuals with these communication styles differ in how they understand others.

“Invite-only communicators also invite others to speak. In this way, they return the favor,” says Spencer. “They show care by asking, respond when asked, and can assume others will do the same, which may not be true.”

“The volunteer communicator, on the other hand, is volunteering information, and similarly, they understand others to feel the same as they do,” she adds. “They may trust that if the other person wants to share something, they will voluntarily speak, just as the volunteer is doing.”

How They Define Safety in Social Settings

Like most social behaviors and habits, these two communication styles boil down to safety in social situations.

“Invite-only communicators feel safer when having been invited to speak,” says Spencer. “Volunteer communicators feel safe being vulnerable, sharing personal thoughts and opinions, without [an invitation]. Their understanding of social safety operates differently.”

When the Communication Styles Clash

When two people have conflicting communication styles, they’re likely to misunderstand each other and struggle to find their footing in social settings. This doesn’t mean either is right or wrong. Rather, they’re operating from entirely different belief systems and social approaches.

“The styles clash due to their fundamentally differing beliefs about how humans communicate,” says Spencer. “An invite-only communicator may assume others are the same, so when they meet a volunteer communicator they may interpret them as brash, egotistical, or self-centered.  Indeed, a volunteer communicator may find an invite-only communicator as timid, shy, or even rude.

Both are misinterpreting the other’s understanding of safe social communication as possibly a problem. Both styles are with good intent, but they misinterpret each other due to their differing understandings of what is safely vulnerable in social situations.”

In fact, Spender notes that this is a common issue with cross-cultural communication.

“For example, some Eastern cultures see invite-only communication as a sign of respect. It would be rude to volunteer your story in the middle of another person’s, even if it was with good intentions,” she explains. “Western cultures, on the other hand, can value everyone jumping in and volunteering in a conversation. They may view people not engaging as a form of rudeness, even if it was intended to be respectful.”

Bridging the Gap Between Volunteer and Invite-Only Communicators

Just because someone has an opposite approach to communication doesn’t mean you can’t find common ground. Now that you understand the contrast between both styles, you can learn to bridge the gap and appeal to different types of communicators. 

“The key element in appealing to both is to not assume the reasoning behind someone’s behavior,” says Spencer. “It can be helpful to ask yourself, rather than assuming this person’s motives, perhaps am I witnessing someone with a different communication style to my own? If so, how can I meet that style in a way that works for me?”

The post Why Your Dates Feel So Awkward (And How to Fix It) appeared first on VICE.