After decades of marriage, some couples have gotten so used to being unhappy together that they hardly notice it anymore. They go to work, come home, eat dinner and spend the evening on opposite ends of the couch.

The divorce rate among Americans over 50 doubled between 1990 and 2010, according to research from Bowling Green State University. And when researchers interviewed 52 divorced adults for a separate study, 75% cited a lack of commitment as a major reason their marriages ended. Infidelity and constant arguing were also common. Here’s how relationships can deteriorate after years together.

1. The Kids Left and the Conversation Went With Them

For years, there’s always something to discuss when you’re raising kids. Then the last one leaves home, and suddenly you’re having dinner across from someone you haven’t had an actual conversation with in ages. Sociologist Susan Brown told NPR that retirement and an empty nest can leave people wondering, “Is this the person I want to spend another 20 or 30 years with?”

2. Then Came the Eye-Rolling

After many years together, some couples have perfected the art of communicating their irritation without saying a word. The sigh when someone starts talking, the sarcastic comments, the eye-rolling. Psychologist John Gottman considers contempt one of the strongest predictors of divorce. Relationship counselor Mig Bennett told Metro that couples stuck in an argument should remember, “You can either be right, or you can be in a relationship.”

3. The Marriage Slid Down the Priority List

With work, raising children, and taking care of aging parents, it’s easy to spend years putting your marriage off until there’s more time. By the time that day comes, you might have forgotten what you used to enjoy doing together. That lack of commitment cited in the divorce study sometimes developed gradually, with couples becoming less willing to work on their relationship.

4. Someone Cheated

Nearly 60% of participants in the 2013 study cited infidelity as a major reason for divorce. Among those who identified a final straw, 24% named cheating. Some people try to repair the relationship afterward, especially when they’ve spent forever raising a family and sharing finances. For others, discovering an affair settles a decision they’ve been struggling with for years.

5. Drinking, Gambling and Other Final Straws

Substance abuse was another reason marriages ended, and the study also identified domestic violence as a common final straw. Addiction can take a serious toll on family finances and relationships, especially when someone refuses treatment. Abuse is a separate and more urgent concern, though, and personal safety comes first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support at 1-800-799-7233.

By the time some couples decide to divorce, they’ve spent years getting used to being unhappy together. And after 20 or 30 years of marriage, getting used to something can be a powerful reason to keep doing it.

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Everybody in a long relationship has had the studio-apartment fantasy. Your own little place, where no one leaves wet towels on the bed, and the only person snoring is you. Maybe you’ve even thought about what furniture you’d buy. Having those thoughts doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready to get divorced.

Researchers surveyed 3,000 married Americans between 25 and 50 and found that a quarter had thought about divorce in the previous six months. Another 28% had at some point considered their marriage was in serious trouble, although those concerns weren’t recent. Researchers also identified a group they called “soft thinkers,” people who considered divorce without making serious plans to leave.

When the researchers checked back a year later, 31% of those who’d initially considered divorce no longer thought about it. Some had even forgotten they’d thought about it at all. During follow-up interviews, several participants looked at their earlier responses and asked, “I put that down?”

Scientists Found That Thinking About Divorce Might Actually Be Good for Your Marriage

Study author Alan Hawkins has said that “thoughts about divorce can be a healthy wake-up call to work on a marriage.” Sometimes it takes seriously imagining a life without your partner to admit just how unhappy you’ve become with certain things.

You can also love somebody and be unhappy living with them. A study of 993 people found that love was the most common reason people wanted to stay, while dissatisfaction was among the leading reasons they thought about leaving. Many participants experienced both feelings at once.

There’s a difference between fantasizing about living alone after a weekend of arguing and wishing your partner would go away even when everything seems fine. If thoughts of the latter keep coming back, there’s probably a reason.

Sometimes you start thinking about leaving because you’ve been asking for the same things for years. More help around the house, more affection, or even a small sign that your partner is listening. If those things finally changed, would you still want out?

Whatever you discover, “I’ve been thinking about divorce” probably shouldn’t be the first thing you say during your next argument. You’re more likely to have a productive conversation going if you talk about what’s making you unhappy when neither of you is furious. If your relationship involves abuse or coercive control, confidential support and a safety plan are more important than confronting your partner.

There’s no need to panic every time the thought of living alone sounds appealing. But if you’ve mentally moved out a hundred times already, there’s probably a conversation you’ve been putting off.

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