No relationship is perfect. If you can’t voice your vulnerable thoughts, messy feelings, or opposing perspectives to your partner, you might lack safety in your relationship.

That’s why I always cringe when I hear couples say, “We never disagree or argue.” Usually—hopefully—what they mean is, “We don’t fight.” If the former were true, I’d be concerned about the health of their connection.

Relationships are made up of two individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, perspectives, and traumas. A relationship without conflict is likely a surface-level one, where one or both parties are either avoidant or afraid of opening up and getting close to the other.

Over time, even the healthiest couples will face conflicts—whether they’re internal or external. For example, one of you might become sick, lose your job, struggle with your mental health…Or perhaps you’ll have a misunderstanding, feel hurt by the other’s actions, disagree on something minor or major.

Conflict is both an inevitable and important part of a relationship. What matters is how we navigate it—and that we don’t push it away every chance we get.

Why Is Conflict a Necessary Part of Relationships?

In a relationship, conflict provides an opportunity to work with your partner to solve an issue or address a stressor.

“In the Imago theory, we see conflict in a relationship as not a bad thing, but as growth trying to happen—both individual growth and growth as a couple,” says Emily Lambert Robins, LCSW, Certified Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a private practice in NYC specializing in couples and sex therapy. 

“Conflict often brings unresolved childhood wounds, unmet emotional needs, and unconscious relationship patterns to the surface,” she continues. “All of us have wounds that we need to heal and areas of growth, and it is in the intimate partnership that offers the best change for us to grow and heal from those hurts from childhood.”

However, if you’re afraid of “rocking the boat,” so to speak, you’ll strip yourself and your partner of the opportunity to heal and grow together. Rather than viewing conflict as a negative thing, view it as a chance to more deeply connect with each other.

Navigating Conflict vs. Fighting

There’s a major difference between navigating conflict, a healthy part of any relationship, and constantly fighting with your partner. Many assume they’re one and the same, which is likely why couples fear conflict. In healthy relationships, conflict isn’t a threat but rather an opportunity to grow together.

“The problem isn’t the conflict itself but how couples fight,” says Robins. “People often bring into conflict a lot of negative conversational habits that they learned from society, from family, etc., such as blaming, criticizing, shaming, interrupting, and more. This type of conflict leads to disconnection and misunderstanding and is not helpful to a relationship.”  

When approached with empathy and curiosity, conflict can actually bring couples closer together.

“In Imago, we teach a tool called the Imago Dialogue, which is a new way of talking and listening to your partner [that] promotes connection, greater understanding, and healing,” says Robins. “Using the dialogue helps couples transform conflict into connection.”

The post The Uncomfortable Thing Every Healthy Couple Needs to Do, According to a Relationship Expert appeared first on vice.

Every couple swears they’ll be the ones who keep having great sex forever. Then a few years go by, someone’s wearing a mouthguard to bed, and sex becomes something they’ll definitely do this weekend.

Sex researchers led by Kristen Mark followed 87 couples for a month to find out why they weren’t having sex, and the most common explanations were incredibly boring. According to their study, men and women were equally likely to say things like “it just didn’t happen” when asked why they didn’t have sex. Sometimes there simply wasn’t time.

The more interesting differences came when people started explaining whose fault it was. Women were more likely to say they weren’t in the mood or were too tired, while men pointed to their partners or the kids. So women were blaming themselves, and men were blaming the person sleeping next to them. Groundbreaking stuff.

The Surprising Reasons Couples Stop Having Sex, According to Science

The finger-pointing didn’t do anyone any favors, either. Couples who blamed their partners for not having sex also reported lower sexual satisfaction, while those who saw it as a shared situation generally felt better about their relationships. And when one person wants sex more than the other, rejection can feel personal. “For the one yearning for touch and physical contact, it really is about feeling wanted and feeling loved,” therapist Michele Weiner-Davis told CNN.

Of course, we’re talking about 87 couples, most of whom were white and heterosexual. There’s only so much we can conclude about everyone’s sex life from a month of their experiences.

It’s also possible that people have unrealistic expectations about how frequently they’re supposed to be having sex. Another study found that the percentage of American adults aged 18 to 64 having sex weekly dropped from 55% in 1990 to 37% in 2024. And research led by Amy Muise at the University of Toronto Mississauga found that couples having sex more than once a week weren’t any happier than those doing it weekly. “It’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner without putting pressure,” Muise explained.

Then there’s the uncomfortable business of actually talking about sex. Admitting that you feel rejected or that you’re unhappy with how things are going takes some vulnerability, especially when you’re not sure how your partner will react.

“Even when you’ve been with someone for years, talking about sex can be scary because you’re exposing a really vulnerable part of yourself,” Mark told Men’s Health.

Sometimes the explanation really is as boring as two exhausted people who have to get up early for work. And one of them still has to put that damn mouthguard in.

The post Researchers Asked Couples Why They Weren’t Having Sex. Here’s What They Found. appeared first on vice.

At first, dating someone who’s completely obsessed with you can feel incredible. They remember everything you tell them and want to spend every free minute together. A few months later, you’re wondering when they last saw their friends or did anything that didn’t involve you.

Psychologist Robert Vallerand has spent years studying this sort of thing. His Dualistic Model of Passion describes two types of passion: harmonious, where someone can be crazy about you and still have their own life, and obsessive, where the relationship starts consuming their time and attention. In one study, couples were more likely to stay together three months later when harmonious passion was high and obsessive passion was low.

So how can you tell when someone’s enthusiasm is getting a little out of hand?

1. Their Whole World Shrinks Down to You

Remember when they played softball every Thursday and had friends they saw regularly? Now they’re canceling plans to spend another night with you, and you can’t remember the last time they mentioned doing something on their own. Research has linked obsessive romantic passion to neglecting other relationships and activities. It’s nice to feel wanted, but being responsible for someone’s entire social life is exhausting.

2. They Can’t Let Something Go

A harmless comment you made over dinner has turned into three days of questions about what you meant. You’ve explained yourself several times, but they’re still bringing it up and asking if everything’s okay between you. In more severe cases, persistent relationship doubts and reassurance-seeking can be symptoms of relationship OCD, although overthinking an argument doesn’t mean someone has the condition. Psychologist Guy Doron’s research suggests these symptoms can also affect the other partner over time.

3. Their Basic Upkeep Goes Out the Window

When someone’s spending most of their time thinking about a relationship, other things can start getting neglected. They’re missing workouts they used to enjoy, staying up later than usual, and forgetting to take care of themselves. Research from Vallerand’s lab has connected obsessive passion with rumination, where the same worries keep coming back no matter how much time someone spends thinking about them.

Someone who’s this consumed by a relationship could be dealing with anxiety or struggling to maintain their own life. Psychology Today recommends reconnecting with friends and old hobbies. If the constant worrying and need for reassurance continue, therapy could help, too.

It’s nice when someone wants to spend time with you. After a while, though, you start wishing they’d make plans with literally anyone else.

The post 3 Signs Your Partner Is Obsessed With You in an Unhealthy Way, According to Psychology appeared first on vice.

After decades of marriage, some couples have gotten so used to being unhappy together that they hardly notice it anymore. They go to work, come home, eat dinner and spend the evening on opposite ends of the couch.

The divorce rate among Americans over 50 doubled between 1990 and 2010, according to research from Bowling Green State University. And when researchers interviewed 52 divorced adults for a separate study, 75% cited a lack of commitment as a major reason their marriages ended. Infidelity and constant arguing were also common. Here’s how relationships can deteriorate after years together.

1. The Kids Left and the Conversation Went With Them

For years, there’s always something to discuss when you’re raising kids. Then the last one leaves home, and suddenly you’re having dinner across from someone you haven’t had an actual conversation with in ages. Sociologist Susan Brown told NPR that retirement and an empty nest can leave people wondering, “Is this the person I want to spend another 20 or 30 years with?”

2. Then Came the Eye-Rolling

After many years together, some couples have perfected the art of communicating their irritation without saying a word. The sigh when someone starts talking, the sarcastic comments, the eye-rolling. Psychologist John Gottman considers contempt one of the strongest predictors of divorce. Relationship counselor Mig Bennett told Metro that couples stuck in an argument should remember, “You can either be right, or you can be in a relationship.”

3. The Marriage Slid Down the Priority List

With work, raising children, and taking care of aging parents, it’s easy to spend years putting your marriage off until there’s more time. By the time that day comes, you might have forgotten what you used to enjoy doing together. That lack of commitment cited in the divorce study sometimes developed gradually, with couples becoming less willing to work on their relationship.

4. Someone Cheated

Nearly 60% of participants in the 2013 study cited infidelity as a major reason for divorce. Among those who identified a final straw, 24% named cheating. Some people try to repair the relationship afterward, especially when they’ve spent forever raising a family and sharing finances. For others, discovering an affair settles a decision they’ve been struggling with for years.

5. Drinking, Gambling and Other Final Straws

Substance abuse was another reason marriages ended, and the study also identified domestic violence as a common final straw. Addiction can take a serious toll on family finances and relationships, especially when someone refuses treatment. Abuse is a separate and more urgent concern, though, and personal safety comes first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support at 1-800-799-7233.

By the time some couples decide to divorce, they’ve spent years getting used to being unhappy together. And after 20 or 30 years of marriage, getting used to something can be a powerful reason to keep doing it.

The post 5 Reasons Couples Get Divorced After Decades of Marriage, According to Experts appeared first on vice.

Going home with a guy for the first time means getting to see how he lives when he hasn’t had much time to prepare for company. Sometimes you’re pleasantly surprised. Other times, there’s a samurai sword in the shower.

And his apartment can tell you quite a bit about him. Psychologist Sam Gosling found that strangers could make surprisingly accurate judgments about certain personality traits just by looking around someone’s bedroom. So while you’re getting comfortable, you might want to pay attention to a few things.

1. The Sheets

A UK survey found that 45% of single men waited up to four months to wash their sheets. Four months. Another poll found dirty bedding was the biggest bedroom turnoff for 81% of women. A slightly unmade bed is one thing, but if there’s a sweat shadow, you might want to reconsider staying the night.

2. The Mattress on the Floor

A mattress on the floor in your early 20s? Sure. You’re broke, you’ve just moved out and furniture is expensive. But if he’s 35 and the rest of his apartment is fully furnished, you have to wonder why the bed frame is still missing.

3. The Bathroom

There’s one towel that’s been hanging there for an undisclosed amount of time, along with a bottle of three-in-one body wash. Fine, whatever. But having some toilet paper and a somewhat sanitary place to wash your hands seems like a fair expectation. And if there’s no shower curtain, how exactly has he been bathing?

4. The Kitchen

A fridge stocked exclusively with hot sauce and energy drinks is an interesting choice, but lots of people survive on takeout. The sink full of crusty dishes, though, is where things get questionable. Now you can’t stop thinking about how long they’ve been sitting there and when he last washed an actual plate.

5. The Wall Art

An old concert poster is harmless. A framed Wolf of Wall Street poster above the bed might inspire a few questions, especially if he’s really into Jordan Belfort. Gosling’s research has also associated inspirational posters with neuroticism. Make of that what you will when you spot a giant “Hustle Harder” print.

6. The Photo Situation

An old picture with an ex isn’t necessarily concerning, especially if it’s from a vacation or an important event. But several framed photos of the same woman around the apartment, with no explanation of who she is, would have me asking some questions before getting too comfortable.

Most of these things can be fixed with a trip to Target and an afternoon of cleaning. But women on Reddit have also described finding fist-sized holes punched through the drywall at a date’s house, and that’s a much better reason to grab your bag and leave. At least the sword in the shower makes for a funny story.

The post 6 Red Flags to Look for the First Time You Visit a Guy’s Apartment appeared first on vice.

Are you in a relationship with someone who continuously downplays your emotions and experiences? You might be facing microdismissals, or the acts of subtly brushing off a partner’s feelings, boundaries, or needs. When done in excess, this habit can be incredibly invalidating and lead to disconnect within a relationship.

What Is Microdissmal? 

According to Dr. Alexandra Foglia, DMFT, the Director of Family Program at All in Solutions, a network of treatment centers located in Florida, New Jersey, and California, “Microdismissal describes subtle, often repeated ways of dismissing someone’s feelings rather than merely one distracted response.”

“For example, a possible sign that someone doesn’t respect your boundaries is repeatedly interrupting or changing the conversation when you’re sharing something important to you,” Foglia states. “Bottom line, then, a pattern is behavior that we return to time after time, that we do without necessarily thinking about.”

Microdismissal can show up in a variety of ways, from talking over someone to laughing off their feelings. Sometimes, these habits appear to be in good fun. But over time, they can eat away at the other person’s confidence, sense of security, and emotional safety within the relationship.

“Another sign is selective engagement,” says Foglia. “For example, eye rolling is often used to express impatience. When eye rolling is used with sarcasm, it often reduces trust. Sometimes, humor can be used to dismiss someone’s feelings. No one deserves to have their feelings invalidated by being told that they are being dramatic.”

Impacts of Microdismissal

As state above, microdismissal can leave someone feeling insecure and disconnected within their own relationship.

“The impact depends on frequency, context, and repair,” says Foglia. “Experiencing accidental or intentional social rejection can easily contribute to feelings of invisibility.”

As these emotions build, you might begin to resent your partner and how they treat you, which only widens the gap between you two.

“Resentment can build if you have difficulty expressing your true feelings about issues within your relationship,” Foglia says. “Ultimately, a relationship with a high level of conflict can lead to resentment and anger, causing one or both partners to feel estranged from one another.”

Why Might Someone Microdismiss Others?

In my own experience, I’ve endured microdismissal from individuals who consistently dismiss their own traumas, feelings, and needs. This might stem from shame, chronic invalidation, or conflict avoidance in their past. Sometimes, acknowledging someone else’s experience means acknowledging our own. If we’re not ready to do that, it might present as microdismissal toward our partners.

“Some people engage in microdismissal because conflict feels threatening, but these reasons do not erase the behavior’s impact,” Foglia says. “They may withhold their own emotions from others, never letting them see when they are afraid, sad, or angry.” 

This behavior isn’t always intentional, either. In fact, many people simply don’t know how to process their own emotions or sit with their own discomfort. Instead of engaging in further conversation, they laugh or brush it off.

“There are times, of course, when laughter is used to cover up anxiety or to escape from the experience of facing threatening material. But the gap can be bridged by open and honest communication,” says Foglia. “By approaching your partner thoughtfully, you can create a space for honest conversation and shared growth.”

The post Introducing ‘Microdismissal,’ the Toxic Relationship Habit You Might Not Even Notice appeared first on vice.

Are you guilty of over-apologizing for anything and everything? Trust me, you’re not the only one. “I’m sorry” is basically my catchphrase, even when I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

Someone walks into me? “Sorry!” Someone cuts me in line. “Sorry!!” Someone feels bad for making me feel bad? “Sorry!!!”

It’s instinctual, at this point, but there’s nothing cute about it. Constantly assuming the blame for issues you didn’t cause, or even for innocent mistakes that aren’t actually hurting anyone, does not win you an award. While it might seem endearing, this habit keeps you small and powerless.

Why We Over-Apologize

There are many reasons one might over-apologize, from social conditioning to pure awkwardness.

“Apologizing is empathetic and, when done correctly, can be done through the lens of accountability and respect,” says Maggie Pajak, MSW, therapist with The Witch’s Therapist, a holistic, LGBTQ2S+-affirming therapy collective based in London, Ontario. “But when we overapologize, it can have deeper psychological roots.”

According to Pajak, this can include low self-esteem, rejection sensitivity, anxiety, people-pleasing tendencies, and conflict avoidance.

Who Is Prone to Over-Apologizing?

While anyone might engage in this habit, over-apologizing might be more common among certain groups of people.

“It’s absolutely more common in neurodiverse populations,” says Pajak. “That’s especially true for rejection-sensitive dysphoria.”

“People with anxiety, or who dealt with extreme criticism or shame during childhood, may preemptively apologize to avoid feeling that shame,” Pajak adds. “It’s almost like they’re getting in front of the shame before it happens.”

And, of course, let’s not forget women, who have been conditioned to be more accommodating, polite, and attentive, Pajak says.

“Also, women are more likely to be the victims of violence in domestic situations, and as a result they may find it necessary to overapologize to placate a partner’s violent tendencies,” she adds.

4 Ways to Stop Over-Apologizing

There’s a time and place for apologizing, but only when you feel you’ve genuinely done something wrong and want to express your guilt. Otherwise, let’s break this bad habit in the four following ways.

1. Acknowledge Instead of Apologizing 

One of my favorite ways to fight the urge to apologize is by replacing an apology with gratitude.

“This helps us pause and reframe the situation,” says Pajak. “It shifts the focus from your guilt or shame to your gratitude toward the other person. For example, instead of saying ‘sorry it took me so long to reply,’ you might say, ‘I appreciate your patience.’”

2. Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

We often apologize from a place of shame: shame for being “inconvenient,” shame for taking up space, shame for having needs. But have you really done something worth apologizing for, or are you just holding yourself to impossible standards and denying your own humanness?

“This is important because we can still feel negative emotions in scenarios where we’ve done the right thing,” Pajak explains. “So, feeling guilt, shame, or like you’ve disappointed someone isn’t necessarily a sign you need to apologize for anything.”

3. Acknowledge Your Needs

Every person on this planet has their own set of needs. What makes yours any less valid?

“In some cases, people who overapologize do so because they grew up in an environment where their needs were neglected or ignored,” Pajak states. “When that’s in our past, it’s easy to feel guilty or ashamed for making those needs known. Learning to acknowledge and express your needs with people who feel safe can help you avoid overapologizing.”

4. Sit With the Discomfort

One of the best ways to drop this self-conscious habit is by sitting with your own discomfort.

“Attached to the previous example, it’s important to sit with the feelings that come up the first time you assert your needs,” says Pajak. “Where do you feel it in your body? What emotions is it attached to? Perhaps you feel shame, or perhaps you were previously made to feel unsafe. Can you just hold that discomfort? Can you sit with it? This can help you build a tolerance to that feeling, as uncomfortable as it may be.”

The post Why You Apologize for Everything, Even When You’ve Done Nothing Wrong appeared first on vice.

Dating has always involved some guessing. Lately, though, the guessing feels like the whole thing.

In Body+Soul’s 2026 Sex Census, mixed signals topped Australians’ list of modern dating frustrations at 55%, ahead of ghosting at 37% and unclear intentions at 35%. And anyone who’s dated recently probably knows the routine. You have a great first date, get a sweet text afterward, and then hear absolutely nothing for days. Meanwhile, this person somehow finds time to watch every single one of your Instagram Stories.

Psychiatrist Amir Levine, co-author of Attached, thinks we should stop calling these situations mixed signals. “Instead of calling it mixed signals, really, what it is, is uncertainty,” he told Body+Soul. And the longer you’re left wondering where you stand, the more time you can end up spending thinking about someone you barely know.

There’s actually research behind that. In a study published in Psychological Science, researchers showed 47 college women Facebook profiles of men who supposedly had rated their attractiveness. Some were told the men liked them a lot, while others weren’t sure how interested the men were. The women who didn’t know where they stood reported the most attraction and spent the most time thinking about the men. Granted, that’s a small study, but anyone who’s checked their phone 40 times waiting for a text can relate.

Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone Who Sends Mixed Signals

Levine’s advice is to ask for what you want early on and pay attention to the response. If you’ve had a good date, tell the person you’d like to see them again and suggest making plans. You can even say you prefer knowing when you’re going to see someone instead of spending the week guessing.

And then see what they do. Someone who wants to see you can make plans or suggest a better night. If you keep getting vague answers and excuses, consider what you want before you waste another weekend waiting for a text.

You should think about your own habits, too. Levine recommends mentioning consistency in your dating profile if that’s important to you. And if you’ve lost interest in someone, politely tell them. No one enjoys sending a rejection text, but the person on the receiving end deserves to know.

If someone can’t give you a straight answer about getting dinner next week, imagine trying to make actual life plans with them.

The post Why Mixed Signals Make You Want Someone Even More (And What to Do About It) appeared first on VICE.

A red flag used to mean something serious, like a guy who screamed at servers or a woman who keyed her ex’s car. These days, someone can get written off for wearing socks to bed or saying “lol” too much.

Dating apps probably haven’t helped. Researchers at Tilburg University found that people became pickier the more profiles they saw, with their likelihood of accepting a match dropping 27%. A 2025 study also linked getting “the ick” to perfectionism and other personality traits. So before you write someone off, here are six things that might not be as bad as they first seem.

1. They Agree With Everything You Say

Your favorite band is their favorite band. They share all your opinions and never seem to care where you go for dinner. It’s possible that you’ve found someone insanely compatible, or maybe they’re still nervous about disagreeing with you. Some people just need time to get comfortable speaking up. Writing in Psychology Today, therapist Duygu Balan asks, “Who are they when they’re not trying to make you happy?”

2. Their Ex Is Still Their Best Friend

Some people make better friends than romantic partners, and there’s no reason they can’t stay close after breaking up. They might have known each other for years before dating. As long as that friendship has reasonable boundaries and you’re not constantly coming second, it doesn’t have to be an issue.

3. They’re Moving at Warp Speed

By the third date, there’s a toothbrush in your bathroom and an invitation to Christmas dinner with their parents. Sure, it’s a little much, but some people have a hard time containing their excitement when they meet someone they like. If they’re happy to slow down when you ask, there’s probably no reason to panic.

4. Every Ex Was a Nightmare

It’s entirely possible that someone really did date several awful people. And if they’ve been hurt, they’re probably not going to have glowing things to say about those relationships. What you want to pay attention to is how they talk about their experiences once you’ve gotten to know them better.

5. Their Family Is Complicated

A complicated family history isn’t necessarily cause for concern. Some people have parents they haven’t spoken to in years, while others talk to their mothers every single day. You probably have a relative or two who drives you insane, so give someone a chance to explain their situation.

6. They Joke About Being Terrible at Texting

You can be interested in someone and still forget to answer their texts. It happens, especially when work gets busy, or you set your phone down and don’t look at it for hours. Pay more attention to how they treat you in person than how quickly those three little dots appear.

Everyone has a few habits that could irritate someone they’re dating. Give people a chance before deciding every little thing is a reason to walk away. Chances are, you’re doing something that drives them crazy, too.

The post 6 Dating Red Flags That Might Not Actually Be Red Flags, According to Experts appeared first on VICE.

If you feel exhausted in your relationship, you might be unknowingly carrying the invisible load for both you and your partner. This common, one-sided dynamic in relationships can lead to resentment, disconnection, and burnout.

“The invisible load in relationships is all the physical and emotional effort that goes into maintaining the relationship, the family (if you have children), and the household needs,” says Debra Feinberg, LCSW, Founder and Couples Therapist at Maplewood Counseling. “Imagine keeping track of and up with everything that needs to be done, and feeling your partner is clueless about all of the things you do.”

Does this sound like you? Here are seven signs you’re carrying the invisible load in your relationship.

1. You Do All the Planning

Some people enjoy planning the trips, vacations, and date nights in their relationships. But if you’re the only one investing time and energy into these events, you might be carrying the invisible load.

“One person feels they do all the work (even planning trips and date nights) to make sure someone is keeping up with the day-to-day,” says Feinberg.

2. You Struggle to Relax

It’s impossible to relax when you’re too busy thinking about all the to-do items on your plate—especially when you know you’ll be tackling them alone.

“While this may not be exclusively about your relationship, if you are someone who is always keeping track of all there is to do in your life, there’s a good chance that this way of thinking extends to your relationship as well,” says Victoria Murray, LCSW, PMH-C, psychotherapist at Root to Rise Therapy.

3. Most Responsibilities Fall on You

In your relationship, do you feel like most of the day-to-day responsibilities fall on your shoulders? For example, you’re the one who notices you’re running low on toilet paper. You’re the one who defrosts the chicken for dinner. You’re the one who buys birthday cards and Mother’s Day gifts and Christmas presents. You’re the one who bakes a tray of cookies for your partner’s family gathering. You’re the fixer, the stable force, the organizer, the chef, the maid…

“If your partner tends to frequently ask you questions like ‘where’s the (random household item that they could just as easily locate themselves),’ ‘how do I (complete a task that they don’t know how to do because you’ve always taken care of it),’ ‘should we (do something that they could do themselves but want you to do),’ these could be signs that you’re the one carrying the invisible load in the relationship,” says Murray.

4. You Feel Resentful

Resentment is a clear sign you’re carrying too much in your relationship.

“Feelings of resentment can creep in when you start to feel like the amount you’re carrying in the relationship is too much for you, out of balance, or unfair,” says Murray.

5. You Feel Underappreciated

It’s already exhausting to be the responsible one in your relationship, but it’s even more frustrating when your efforts go unnoticed. It’s called the invisible load for a reason.

“I’ve heard from many couples that it’s not until one partner experiences the absence of the one carrying the invisible load that they finally see everything that goes into it,” says Feinberg.

6. You Have to ‘Figure Out’ Your Partner’s Feelings and Needs

Many people feel responsible for “figuring out” their partner, especially if that partner struggles to communicate their feelings and needs.

“This can be one of the most exhausting aspects of carrying the invisible load: feeling like it is always your job to ask the questions, think about your partner’s needs, or guess how they might be feeling,” says Murray. “Eventually, this can lead to relationship burnout and resentment.” 

7. You’ve Lost Interest in Intimacy

If you carry the invisible load in your relationship, you likely feel exhausted, depleted, resentful, or even angry. When your partner fails to acknowledge your burnout, sex can start to feel like yet another chore.

“If the other partner wants to be intimate and doesn’t get the reason you don’t have interest, it reinforces feeling invisible and not seen,” says Feinberg. “Appreciation and consideration are so incredibly important in a relationship.”

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We all have different communication styles and preferences, with some of us seeking conversations and others waiting to be included. This is especially noticeable in dating. For example, you may have been on a date with someone who offered information unprompted and dominated the conversation for most of the night. Or maybe your date only shared personal details when you asked, making you feel like an interviewer. These communication styles are known as “volunteer” and “invite-only.”

Regardless of which end of the spectrum you lean toward, there’s no right or wrong way of communicating—so long as you’re respectful, of course. Wondering about the difference between the “volunteer” and “invite-only” communication styles? Let’s dive in.

‘Volunteer’ vs. Invite-Only Communication Style

According to Sophia Spencer, a specialist in social psychology, mental health therapist, and founder of Social Mind Clinic, “The volunteer communication style is when a person voluntarily communicates personal information without needing to be asked,” says Spencer.

On the other hand, “The invite-only communication style is when a person communicates information when they are directly asked a question or prompted by someone else,” Spencer says. “Essentially, they speak when invited to do so.”

These opposing communication styles differ in the following ways:

How They Offer Information

Perhaps the most obvious difference between the volunteer and invite-only communication styles is how (and when) they feel comfortable speaking in a conversation. 

“One waits to be invited; the other speaks without invite,” says Spencer. 

How They Understand Others

Spencer also points out that individuals with these communication styles differ in how they understand others.

“Invite-only communicators also invite others to speak. In this way, they return the favor,” says Spencer. “They show care by asking, respond when asked, and can assume others will do the same, which may not be true.”

“The volunteer communicator, on the other hand, is volunteering information, and similarly, they understand others to feel the same as they do,” she adds. “They may trust that if the other person wants to share something, they will voluntarily speak, just as the volunteer is doing.”

How They Define Safety in Social Settings

Like most social behaviors and habits, these two communication styles boil down to safety in social situations.

“Invite-only communicators feel safer when having been invited to speak,” says Spencer. “Volunteer communicators feel safe being vulnerable, sharing personal thoughts and opinions, without [an invitation]. Their understanding of social safety operates differently.”

When the Communication Styles Clash

When two people have conflicting communication styles, they’re likely to misunderstand each other and struggle to find their footing in social settings. This doesn’t mean either is right or wrong. Rather, they’re operating from entirely different belief systems and social approaches.

“The styles clash due to their fundamentally differing beliefs about how humans communicate,” says Spencer. “An invite-only communicator may assume others are the same, so when they meet a volunteer communicator they may interpret them as brash, egotistical, or self-centered.  Indeed, a volunteer communicator may find an invite-only communicator as timid, shy, or even rude.

Both are misinterpreting the other’s understanding of safe social communication as possibly a problem. Both styles are with good intent, but they misinterpret each other due to their differing understandings of what is safely vulnerable in social situations.”

In fact, Spender notes that this is a common issue with cross-cultural communication.

“For example, some Eastern cultures see invite-only communication as a sign of respect. It would be rude to volunteer your story in the middle of another person’s, even if it was with good intentions,” she explains. “Western cultures, on the other hand, can value everyone jumping in and volunteering in a conversation. They may view people not engaging as a form of rudeness, even if it was intended to be respectful.”

Bridging the Gap Between Volunteer and Invite-Only Communicators

Just because someone has an opposite approach to communication doesn’t mean you can’t find common ground. Now that you understand the contrast between both styles, you can learn to bridge the gap and appeal to different types of communicators. 

“The key element in appealing to both is to not assume the reasoning behind someone’s behavior,” says Spencer. “It can be helpful to ask yourself, rather than assuming this person’s motives, perhaps am I witnessing someone with a different communication style to my own? If so, how can I meet that style in a way that works for me?”

The post Why Your Dates Feel So Awkward (And How to Fix It) appeared first on VICE.

I’ve heard many couples claim they “never argue,” but what I assume they mean is they never fight. 

Disagreements are a normal part of every relationship. Arguing is the mere act of disagreeing and presenting your perspective/opinion, which is a healthy and normal occurrence in any relatinoship. Fighting, on the other hand, is more of a heated, often hostile exchange.

Arguing vs. Fighting: What’s the Difference?

As stated above, arguing and fighting are two completely different exchanges. While they typically both result from conflict and disagreement, they address these issues in different manners.

“Anxiety is fuel for both arguing and fighting. But, while arguing is about an exchange of ideas, as well as the feelings underneath those ideas, fighting is next-level competitive,” says Karen J. Osterle, MSSA, LICSW, licensed psychotherapist and marriage counselor in Washington, DC. “The first aims to sway, and the second aims to slay, relationally speaking.”

According to Osterle, fighting involves giving in to impulse and cruelty.

“With arguing, the appreciation and respect for the connection matters to both people, and it comes across in the form if reflective listening and paraphrasing, ‘I’ statements, and a pace that allows one or both people to be changed by the process,” she explains. “Fighting is zero-sum in its feel. Someone will lose, because it’s driven by either hurt or fear. And if I’m hurting, you’re going to hurt too, or something along those lines.”

Do You and Your Partner Argue or Fight?

Wondering whether you and your partner argue or fight? Most healthy couples argue from time to time—and some occasionally fight, when an issue is repetitive or emotions are high. However, it’s important to acknowledge your patterns and identify healthier ways to address conflicts and disagreements. 

“During an argument, you should still feel comfortable expressing your perspective, even if your partner disagrees,” says Cristy De La Rosa, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist-Associate at Ranch House Recovery. “Pay attention to whether you’re actually listening to each other.”

“During a fight, you might notice that you’re interrupting each other or raising your voice,” she continues. “Another warning sign is when the conversation shifts from the actual problem and becomes about the things that the other person has done wrong, or their flaws.”

If you’ve entered attack mode, you’ve likely veered into “fight” territory. 

How to Argue Without It Turning Into a Fight

Many couples falsely believe that arguments are a negative occurrence in relationships. However, in my experience, the more you allow yourself to disagree and argue your perspectives, the less likely you are to escalate conflict into fights.

“Address problems before resentment builds, and focus [on] what happened and how it made you feel,” De La Rosa recommends. “If there’s too much emotion to have a productive conversation, it’s okay to take a break and return to it when you’re both calm.”

Knowing when to step back and cool off can save your relationship from heated fights and aggressive verbal attacks.

“Remember that the goal shouldn’t be to prove who’s right, but to understand each other and figure out how to move forward,” De La Rosa concludes.

The post How to Tell if You’re Having a Healthy Argument or a Toxic Fight, According to Therapists appeared first on VICE.

Millennials survived the early Tinder years and the “u up?” era, so they’re hardly in a position to lecture anyone about dating. They’re doing it anyway, and some of their complaints about Gen Z are actually pretty fair.

Reddit threads like “What has dating in Gen Z become?” and an AskReddit discussion about the Gen Z dating crisis have people sharing their frustrations with dating today. BuzzFeed rounded up some complaints, too. The complaints run from reasonable to completely bonkers.

1. When Pointing Out the Age Difference Backfires

One older Redditor discovered that younger people aren’t especially discouraged by a 20-year age difference. Or by being told they’re young enough to be someone’s child.

“They are FORWARD. I’m attracted to women a good bit older than myself as well, so I get that part, but I’d say the majority of flirting I receive comes from women and nonbinary people 10 to 20 years younger than me. You point out that you’re old enough to be their mother, and they say, ‘Okay, mommy,’” wrote u/psara.

Well, that settles that.

2. Skipping Humans Altogether

“People are replacing real relationships and intimacy with dating apps that are basically just hookup apps, internet porn, and even AI chatbots that they use for companionship or sexting instead of connecting with actual people,” wrote u/th3_blu3.

The chatbot complaint has some numbers behind it. A Talker Research survey from July found that 27% of Gen Z adults had engaged in sexual conversations with an AI chatbot. Before millennials start feeling superior, 16% of them admitted to doing the same thing.

3. Being Nice to Your Girlfriend Is Now Embarrassing

“If a guy is genuinely loving toward his girlfriend, his buddies will call him a ‘simp’ or say he’s ‘pussy-whipped.’ Men are basically shaming each other for being affectionate toward their own partners,” wrote u/aria3246.

Imagine being embarrassed because your friends found out you actually like your girlfriend.

4. The Personality of a Deflated Balloon

Dating would probably go better if more people were willing to flirt with each other in person. At least that’s what one Redditor would like everyone to consider.

“Whether you’re a man or a woman, don’t expect the other person to magically realize you’re flirting and ask you out. You actually have to put in some effort. You need to have at least a little more personality than a deflated balloon,” wrote u/Pharmaguardian.

5. Raised by Screens

The phone addiction complaints were bound to come up, although this Redditor has some pretty strong opinions about how Gen Z was raised.

“So many Gen Z’ers have normalized antisocial behavior that they’re terrified of putting themselves out there. They’ll call anything genuine ‘cringe’ while spending an entire weekend inside on social media. You can quickly tell which ones were raised by screens and which ones were raised by their parents. The former seem to lack any personality or will, while the latter seem like very well-adjusted young adults,” wrote u/the_toast_of_you.

6. Therapy Speak From People Who Just Turned 22

People are throwing around terms like attachment styles and love bombing after knowing someone for about three weeks. Sometimes a disappointing date is just a disappointing date.

“There’s way too much ‘therapy speak’ and way too many expectations from people who barely have any life experience or real knowledge,” wrote u/einsatzpoopen.

7. Who’s Paying, Exactly?

The debate over who picks up the dinner check is alive and well, with people still getting irritated over who reaches for their wallet.

“Women say they ‘no longer need a partner to pay,’ yet ‘I don’t date guys who don’t pay’ also seems to be a very popular attitude these days. Sounds like a contradiction to me,” wrote u/optimusprime1994.

8. The Relationship Status With No Name

There’s now an entire stage of dating where you’ve agreed not to see other people but still aren’t calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. You can see why that might get old.

“This whole ‘exclusive but not official’ dating phase that Gen Z has normalized just seems like an excuse to avoid commitment. People treat each other as disposable and don’t want to invest the time and effort to actually get to know someone and work through their flaws or issues,” wrote u/Sumo-Subjects.

In fairness, millennials helped make ghosting a household word, so they might want to go easy on the lecturing. Then again, at least they never had to compete with a chatbot.

The post 8 Gen Z Dating Trends That Millennials Absolutely Hate appeared first on VICE.

Dating app profiles have always been a little generous with the truth. The height rounds up, and the photos are from three years and one haircut ago. Now the charming person on the other end of the chat might not even be writing their own messages.

Scientific American calls it chatfishing, and AI is becoming increasingly common in dating. According to a 2025 study from Match and the Kinsey Institute, 26% of singles were using AI to help with their dating lives, a 333% increase from the previous year. Another survey from Norton found 60% of online daters suspected they’d already received AI-written messages from a match. The other 40% might just be giving people too much credit.

You can understand the temptation. Dating apps are exhausting, and coming up with something charming to say to a stranger for the seventh time this week gets old. As Kinsey Institute executive director Justin Garcia told NBC Washington, “Dating is in many ways about competition.” And AI has gotten pretty convincing. In one study, people chatting with GPT-4.5 and a human mistook the AI for the human 73% of the time.

What Is ‘Chatfishing’? The AI Dating Trend That’s Fooling Singles Online.

The deception can extend to profile pictures, too. Kylee Baxa told CNN about meeting a man whose dating profile was full of photos from Mykonos. Except he’d never been there. When she asked about it, he admitted he’d used AI to create the photos because he didn’t have enough good ones. “Like, they’re still me. It’s still my face,” she recalled him saying. She left shortly afterward, obviously unimpressed by his imaginary Greek vacation.

People are getting fed up with all of this. A Boston University survey found half of respondents thought dating apps had too many chatbots pretending to be people. Only 10% of women believed AI-powered dating apps would lead to more successful relationships.

BU media science professor Kathryn Coduto raised another concern with CNN. “I do worry for people who have a great interaction, but it ends up being with an AI,” she said. “And then when they meet the person, it’s not who they thought it was.”

There’s something to be said for meeting someone in person before you’ve spent a month getting attached to their texts. You could always start with a phone call, too. And while photo verification helps confirm someone’s identity, it doesn’t mean they’re the one coming up with all those clever replies.

Remember when the biggest concern was whether someone looked like their pictures? Now we’re questioning if they even have the personality we’ve been talking to.

The post ‘Chatfishing’ Is Becoming a Thing on Dating Apps, and It’s Already Getting Weird appeared first on VICE.

Getting ghosted used to be the worst thing that could happen after a decent first date. The bar has dropped since then.

And dating wasn’t exactly going great to begin with. A 2023 Pew Research Center report found that 46% of Americans who had used dating apps or websites described their experiences as negative. Between people disappearing without explanation and others keeping you interested with absolutely no intention of dating you, it’s easy to see why. Here are six dating behaviors you might recognize, even if you’ve never heard their ridiculous names.

1. Breadcrumbing

A breadcrumber gives you just enough attention to keep you interested, usually a random “hey stranger” or an Instagram like at a questionable hour, without ever making actual plans.

In a study of 626 adults, researchers found that people who’d been breadcrumbed reported greater loneliness and lower life satisfaction. Ghosting, meanwhile, had no statistically significant association with those outcomes. At least when someone disappears, you eventually stop expecting a text.

2. Monkey Branching

Monkey branching is when someone starts pursuing their next relationship before ending the one they’re already in. They want another person lined up before breaking things off, presumably because spending a few Friday nights by themselves is simply too much to ask.

Dyllan Watkins, a Neuroscience BSc holder, in collaboration with poly dating platform Sister Wives, told Body+Soul that this behavior “could stem from an insecurity around trust or fear of abandonment.” Unfortunately, the person they’re currently dating gets to deal with the consequences.

3. Phubbing

Phubbing is short for phone snubbing, and it’s when someone scrolls through their phone while you’re attempting to have a conversation.

Baylor University researcher James Roberts found that people who experienced more phubbing from their partners reported greater conflict and lower relationship satisfaction. It’s hard to feel appreciated when you’re competing with someone’s Instagram feed or fantasy football league.

4. Floodlighting

Floodlighting is when someone unloads deeply personal information before you’ve had hardly any time to get to know each other. You’re 20 minutes into a first date and already know all about their childhood trauma and the ex who ruined their life.

Brené Brown has described this behavior as a way of protecting yourself from vulnerability. If the other person backs away, the floodlighter can convince themselves that opening up was a mistake.

5. Orbiting

Orbiting is when someone stops texting you but continues watching everything you post on social media. They might even like a photo once in a while. You haven’t had an actual conversation in weeks, but they’re still keeping up with your life on Instagram.

6. Cloaking

Cloaking takes ghosting a step further. Someone you’ve been talking to or dating disappears and blocks you everywhere, including the dating app where you originally matched. They’ve cut off every possible way to contact them, leaving you with no explanation and no opportunity to even ask what happened.

It’s pretty incredible how much effort some people will put into avoiding a conversation that could be over in two minutes.

The post 6 Dating Trends That Could Be Secretly Ruining Your Love Life appeared first on VICE.

True crime fans know all about the love letters Ted Bundy received while sitting in prison. It’s a bizarre piece of history, especially considering the man was responsible for murdering numerous young women. And somehow, he still had women lining up to date him.

Bundy even married Carole Ann Boone during his murder trial. But forensic psychologist Katherine Ramsland told HuffPost that these women aren’t necessarily attracted to the crimes themselves. For some, a man serving a life sentence can be “the perfect boyfriend”—after all, you know exactly where he is at all times. 

The fascination with Bundy got University of São Paulo researcher Katharina da Silva wondering what draws people to partners with less-than-lovely personalities. Is there something about certain people that makes narcissism or manipulation attractive, even when everyone else can see the warning signs? To investigate, she and her colleagues surveyed 400 Brazilian adults for a study examining personality traits and romantic preferences.

Scientists Found Something Interesting About People Who Date Manipulative Partners

Participants answered questions about their own levels of narcissism, manipulation, and psychopathy, collectively known as the Dark Triad. They also rated how attractive they found those qualities in a potential partner. According to PsyPost, people who scored higher in these traits were generally more interested in dating someone similar. Narcissists preferred narcissists, and manipulators were drawn to other manipulators.

The researchers also asked participants to rate hypothetical partners on a scale of 1 to 7, and the difference was quite substantial. A kind, considerate person scored nearly 6, while someone described as calculating and willing to do whatever it takes scored about 2.4. Add a history of physical assault, and that number dropped to 1.5.

And money couldn’t save them either. Neither could fame or being ridiculously good-looking. Even when researchers gave the violent hypothetical partner a fortune, celebrity status or an attractive appearance, people still weren’t interested. Da Silva suspects the assault was enough to put people off, regardless of the other qualities.

“Prosociality still remains a far more desirable trait in the context of mate choice,” she told PsyPost.

There are limitations, of course. The partners were fictional descriptions without photos, and the participants were mostly educated adults recruited online. Since every hypothetical partner with appealing qualities also had a history of violence, the researchers couldn’t determine how people might respond to a wealthy, attractive manipulator without an assault charge.

So if a friend’s exes all seem cut from the same cloth, the common thread might be the friend.

The post The Surprising Reason Some People Keep Dating Narcissists, According to Science appeared first on VICE.

Ghosting has no winners. The person left on read spends weeks replaying every text, wondering what the hell happened. And according to new research, the person who disappeared might not feel so great about their decision, either.

Researchers from the University of Cambridge and the University of California conducted three studies for a paper. They examined people’s past experiences, hypothetical situations, and live online conversations. Their finding? “People who are ghosted underestimate how bad their conversation partners feel about ghosting them,” the authors wrote.

People who ghosted reported feeling guilty afterward, and previous research has associated ghosting with depressive symptoms. Interestingly, the guilt was worse when the ghosting happened accidentally. Maybe you forgot to respond to someone, and by the time you remembered, too much time had passed to reply without feeling awkward. So you just…never did.

Of course, feeling guilty doesn’t help the person on the receiving end. Psychologist Jennice Vilhauer wrote in Psychology Today that ghosting “creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity,” leaving people wondering whether to worry about someone or accept the relationship is over.

Ghosting Isn’t Just Painful for the Person Left Behind, Scientists Say

Some people are also more inclined to ghost than others. A study led by psychologist Gili Freedman found that people who believe relationships are either destined to work or doomed from the beginning were 31.8% more likely to have ghosted someone. So I guess believing in soulmates can make ignoring someone’s texts a little easier.

The Cambridge researchers found that even a short message, something as basic as “sorry, can’t talk,” helped reduce the misunderstanding. A few words could spare both people unnecessary anguish.

Personally, I think ghosting is a cop-out. You can call it “protecting your peace,” and sometimes that might be true. But if you’re ghosting someone you once had a solid relationship with, I’m sorry, but it’s selfish. It’s just an excuse to avoid a hard or uncomfortable conversation.

I’ve been ghosted by someone I thought would be in my life forever (a friend, not a romantic partner), and I would have much preferred they tell me to “f*ck off” to my face than disappear without a conversation. At least I’d have known where we stood. To this day, thinking about this person is incredibly painful because I have no idea what really happened. 

Feeling guilty afterward is fine, I guess. Actually having the conversation would be better.

The post Ghosting Someone Might Actually Be Bad for Your Mental Health, According to Science appeared first on VICE.

Being single past 30 comes with a standard set of questions from aunts and coworkers, usually some version of “Are you seeing anyone?” No one ever asks if you’re actually happy.

Researchers at the University of Toronto did. Lead author Elaine Hoan and her team examined 11 years of data on 2,930 never-married Germans for a study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Participants entered the study around ages 18, 26, or 36 and had to report being single at every annual survey to qualify.

Roughly 90% maintained relatively high life satisfaction throughout the study. “Singles’ overall satisfaction with their lives remained remarkably robust,” Hoan told PsyPost. Earlier research using the same data had suggested long-term singles became less satisfied as they aged, partly because it lumped everyone into one average.

Researchers Found That Long-Term Singles Are Happier Than You Might Think

Of course, being happy with your life doesn’t mean you’re thrilled about your dating prospects. About two-thirds of the youngest participants enjoyed being single, while older participants were less enthusiastic. Sexual satisfaction varied, as well. People with higher education levels were more likely to fall into the least sexually satisfied groups. Researchers suggested that demanding academic pursuits could leave less time for sex. So, there’s another thing that isn’t mentioned when you sign up for grad school.

Most participants also expressed moderate to high interest in finding a partner. They could enjoy their lives and still want someone to share them with. The happiest singles generally scored lower in neuroticism and higher in extraversion.

The numbers aren’t much different in the U.S. A 2023 report found that 57% of single adults had no interest in dating or finding a relationship. Single men were more likely to be looking than single women. And when Pew asked singles who weren’t dating why, 72% said they enjoyed being single. That’s a lot of people who are perfectly happy spending their weekends however they damn well please.

Still, people have a hard time believing someone could be happy without a partner. Psychologist Bella DePaulo, author of Single at Heart, has studied this skepticism by asking participants to judge otherwise identical descriptions of single and married people. Even when the single person described a happy life, readers were less inclined to believe it. “If you are already happy, don’t expect marriage to make you even happier,” she wrote in Singled Out, as reported by The Christian Science Monitor.

At the next holiday dinner, “I’m good, thanks” should cover it. Assuming anyone believes you.

The post Most Long-Term Singles Are Actually Happy Being Single, New Study Finds appeared first on VICE.

TikTok has yet another dating theory people treat like gospel: the 3-6-9 dating rule. This concept breaks the first nine months of dating into three stages, with only the strongest couples surviving…

What Is the 3-6-9 Dating Rule? 

According to Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, the 3-6-9 dating rule is not a new concept, but it is gaining traction for its catchy name. The theory proposes the following three important stages of dating within the first year of a relationship:

0-3 Months: Honeymoon Phase

According to the 3-6-9 dating rule, a couple will remain in the honeymoon phase for the first three months of their relationship. 

“The honeymoon phase is when everything is perfect, you get butterflies when you talk to this person, and nothing seems to be wrong,” Trombetti says.

3-6 Months: Conflict Stage

The 3-6-9 dating rule suggests the honeymoon phase ends after three months, starting the conflict stage. You might start to take your partner off a pedestal and acknowledge their humanness—and vice versa. This can reveal minor annoyances and potential incompatibilities. No relationship is perfect, and you’ll have arguments from time to time. But if you can learn to navigate conflict as a unit, you’ll likely survive this phase.

“The conflict stage is when you most likely will have an actual disagreement on something. Think of this as your first real fight,” Trombetti states. “This will show the other person how you communicate during conflict and how you will resolve it.” 

6-9 Months: Long-Term Decision-Making Phase

By months 6-9, you should be assessing your long-term compatibility with your partner. If you have doubts, you might decide against wasting more time.

“Then the long-term decision-making stage is when you are actually deciding: Is this my person? Do I really see myself with them forever?” Trombetti explains. “This is when you start to really know if they are potentially the ‘one’ and worth pouring your time and heart into.”

Is the 3-6-9 Rule Credible?

According to Trombetti, the timing of the 3-6-9 rule does seem natural. However, she typically recommends waiting for three months before actually committing to someone, which she notes could delay the honeymoon phase.

“I do agree we typically see around 3 months to 6 months of larger conflict, and that really does show you a lot about the person,” she adds. “For 6-9 months, yes, you should know if you want to pursue someone long term, but this could happen earlier potentially if you knew the person prior or are working with someone like a matchmaker/dating coach. Timelines are relative depending on the work you have done on yourself. “

While this dating rule works in many relationships, it shouldn’t be treated as the end-all, be-all of dating advice.

“I would suggest using the timeline to your advantage as more of a check-in point for yourself,” Trombetti recommends. “For instance, I really like the 6-9 months time frame because at that stage you should start to really know if this is something you want to pursue long term. I am not saying get married right there and then, but I am saying it is a good time to recognize: Are there any red flags? Do I want this? And if you are not sure, that might be your answer right there.”

The post The ‘3-6-9 Dating Rule’ Might Explain Why So Many Relationships Fall Apart appeared first on VICE.

Dating profiles can be generous with the truth. The guy who’s “always up for an adventure” could be going home to a mattress on the floor and a fridge with nothing in it but mustard and one Coors Light. You can learn a lot about a person once you see where they live, and sometimes you wish you hadn’t.

Matchmaking service Tawkify surveyed 500 single Americans over 40 to find out how much a date’s home affects attraction. Half admitted they’d lost interest after seeing where a potential partner lived. Women were quicker to change their minds, at 55% compared with 42% of men. And 13% said they’d formed an opinion within seconds of walking through the door.

In fact, 57% of respondents said they’d discovered something at a person’s home that turned them off after having missed it during previous dates. Unpacked moving boxes bothered 56%, followed by an empty fridge at 48% and dirty dishes at 42%. Another 36% weren’t thrilled by homes with zero personal touches. By your 40s, it’s probably time to have something on the walls besides the thermostat.

These Household Red Flags Could Make Someone Lose Interest in You

The bathroom was a major deciding factor. A clean one with an actual hand towel was the strongest second-date signal, according to 60% of respondents. One woman told Elite Daily that a filthy bathroom would be enough to put her off spending the night. Which seems completely understandable to me. 

Another woman on Reddit described visiting a man’s house and finding a bathroom that “was visibly dirty and didn’t have any toilet paper, soap, or towels.” She ended up ghosting him and felt bad about it. Although I’m curious what he expected guests to do after using the toilet.

Living arrangements also came under scrutiny. The survey found that 41% considered living with parents a red flag. Having adult children or roommates at home bothered 21% each.

People did start to get a little ridiculous when it came to judging size. Another 41% said a one-bedroom, one-bathroom home was a turnoff for anybody over 40. Considering mortgage interest rates and the cost of rent these days, that seems very unfair. 

Fortunately, the bar for impressing a date doesn’t involve owning a mansion. About 68% of respondents assumed a person with a well-kept home had their life together. Warm, traditional interiors appealed to 71%, with natural and neutral styles close behind at 69%. Industrial decor came in last at 49%. Sorry to anyone who spent a fortune making their apartment look like a new brewery.

Of course, if someone does have money, it doesn’t guarantee a pleasant visit. One woman in an AskReddit discussion recalled visiting a date’s gorgeous apartment in an expensive neighborhood, only to discover it was filthy.

A date-ready home costs about as much as a nice dinner out. Buy a decent hand towel and put something in the fridge besides condiments. Whoever comes over is going to look around, so make sure the bathroom passes inspection—aka, have toilet paper. 

The post Things in Your Home That Could Ruin a Second Date, According to Reddit appeared first on VICE.