Ghosting has no winners. The person left on read spends weeks replaying every text, wondering what the hell happened. And according to new research, the person who disappeared might not feel so great about their decision, either.

Researchers from the University of Cambridge and the University of California conducted three studies for a paper. They examined people’s past experiences, hypothetical situations, and live online conversations. Their finding? “People who are ghosted underestimate how bad their conversation partners feel about ghosting them,” the authors wrote.

People who ghosted reported feeling guilty afterward, and previous research has associated ghosting with depressive symptoms. Interestingly, the guilt was worse when the ghosting happened accidentally. Maybe you forgot to respond to someone, and by the time you remembered, too much time had passed to reply without feeling awkward. So you just…never did.

Of course, feeling guilty doesn’t help the person on the receiving end. Psychologist Jennice Vilhauer wrote in Psychology Today that ghosting “creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity,” leaving people wondering whether to worry about someone or accept the relationship is over.

Ghosting Isn’t Just Painful for the Person Left Behind, Scientists Say

Some people are also more inclined to ghost than others. A study led by psychologist Gili Freedman found that people who believe relationships are either destined to work or doomed from the beginning were 31.8% more likely to have ghosted someone. So I guess believing in soulmates can make ignoring someone’s texts a little easier.

The Cambridge researchers found that even a short message, something as basic as “sorry, can’t talk,” helped reduce the misunderstanding. A few words could spare both people unnecessary anguish.

Personally, I think ghosting is a cop-out. You can call it “protecting your peace,” and sometimes that might be true. But if you’re ghosting someone you once had a solid relationship with, I’m sorry, but it’s selfish. It’s just an excuse to avoid a hard or uncomfortable conversation.

I’ve been ghosted by someone I thought would be in my life forever (a friend, not a romantic partner), and I would have much preferred they tell me to “f*ck off” to my face than disappear without a conversation. At least I’d have known where we stood. To this day, thinking about this person is incredibly painful because I have no idea what really happened. 

Feeling guilty afterward is fine, I guess. Actually having the conversation would be better.

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