If you’ve ever lost touch with an old friend, someone who used to be like family to you, you likely understand just how complex the grief can be. Also called a “friendship breakup,” these endings can be incredibly painful—some say even more so than a regular breakup.

“Just like a romantic breakup, [a friendship breakup] is a discontinuation of a connection and security, which is often a big ol’ OUCHIE-feeling,” says Alli Spotts-De Lazzer, Speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, and Eating Disorders Specialist.

If you’re going through a friendship breakup, read on to learn some therapist-backed tips for coping.

Why Friendship Breakups Are Especially Cruel

When we enter a romantic relationship, we likely aren’t expecting to break up with our partner down the line. However, the idea of a breakup in a relationship is far more prevalent than it is in a friendship.

“For some, it’s partly due to conditioning. We are more conditioned to expect that dating is a numbers game, that breakups are a part of this,” Spotts-De Lazzer explains. “So though they are painful, we’re mentally more prepared for the POTENTIAL of a breakup. Mindset matters.”

With friends, we often expect these connections to last for a lifetime. In a friendship, you’re not solely committed to one person, nor do you have the same expectations one would in a romantic relationship. In many ways, it’s easier to maintain a friendship—and so the idea of it ending can feel preposterous. 

“There’s the ‘forever friends’-type of expectation and pressure,” Spotts-De Lazzer says. “Broken beliefs tend to hurt. So not only are you grieving the loss or absence of a relationship that once felt secure and connected, but we also don’t necessarily expect friendship breakups.”

How to Navigate a Friendship Breakup

When it comes to friendship breakups, many people downplay their feelings or invalidate the experience, claiming it’s “no big deal.” But realistically, losing a friend can be incredibly traumatic and painful, triggering deep grief. This is especially true if betrayal, abandonment, or emotional abuse were involved.

“Understand that it’s a loss, and grief can involve denial (e.g., pursuing continuation either in reality or in the mind), anger (yup! Even if you pride yourself on not being an angry person, grief can bring it on since anger can sometimes cover sadness), depression (e.g., bursts of or steady sadness, which can be intense), bargaining (e.g., imaginary conversations changing the outcome), and acceptance (which can help us adjust to the loss),” Spotts-De Lazzer explains. 

“The ‘stages of grief’ are not necessarily experienced by all and are certainly not linear experiences,” she adds. “Still, the structure may be a beneficial conceptualization to explain what often can feel inexplicable and devastating.”

Additionally, self-compassion is one of the best ways to heal from any sort of loss or breakup. Instead of ruminating for days on what you could have/should have done differently, forgive yourself, apologize if necessary, and choose kindness toward yourself and your ex-friend.

“One of the things I find helpful is to talk to yourself about each experience you notice happening in your head, or even when you wake up and notice you may have had grieving dreams,” Spotts-De Lazzer says. “Treat yourself as if you are a kind parent to yourself. Give compassion and truth. Like if you notice outbursts of anger, ‘Oh, gosh. You’re really hurting. How can you get that anger out of your body? Do you want to journal or go on a stomp walk?’”

“Anger is a feeling,” she adds. “It will work its way out—just don’t do anything regretful with it!”

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